On Tuesday, March 25, 2008, the Dead Prophet had the good fortune to hypothetically meet up with one of televisions greatest. The following interview wasn't conducted over the phone during a very strange 10 minute interview. The Dead Prophet was at home. Billy Mays was in a private Cessna 180 Skywagon with his family somewhere over the northern Appalachians on route to a book signing.
Dead Prophet: Good to have you here Mr. MaysBilly Mays: Please, call me Billy.
DP: Okay, Billy.
BM: Or Mr. America's Greatest Pitchman
DP: Sorry?
BM: Or Mr. Television or Greatest Person in the World, whatever... Billy is fine.
DP: Right. Thanks for taking the time today Mr. Mays. I know you're a busy man.
BM: No problem. My pleasure.
DP: You're a very recognizable and popular personality in America today. But it wasn't always like this. How did you rise out of the ashes of your destructive childhood to become the successful man you are today.
BM: I tried a lot of things. I was lonely and quiet as a child. I knew somewhere inside I had the potential to do something, to be someone, but most of the things I tried, failed.
DP: Can you give an example of one of your failures?
BM: Sure. It's no secret I was involved in a rather dubious affair that resulted in the lifetime incarceration of two close friends. When I was sixteen, I was a bike courier in Philadelphia. My friends asked me to run a couple of packages for their parents. Whoa... Sorry... just a second. Just pull back on the throttle. Good, good. Now, level it off until the altim... yah, okay. Good... Sorry about that. We just hit a little turbulence. What was I saying?
DP: Running packages for your friends.
BM: Right. So I ran a couple envelopes from one building to another a couple times. No big deal right? Sure, until the cops pulled me aside and forced me to wear a wire.
DP: Wow!
BM: Yah. It was either that or get arrested. My parents would have killed me.
DP: So did you do it?
BM: Of course not. Well, I mean I said no. But they snuck a bug on me anyway and brought down the entire operation, using me as the central informant! I was really devastated. Imagine, being the... Holy S... Pull back on the ... give me the stick... get your seatbelts ... where is the dog? Ouch! Just a ... (about 10 seconds of incomprehensible screaming).
DP: Mr. Mays? Hello?
BM: Wow! What a ride. Sorry again. Everybody okay back there? Yikes.
DP: If this isn't a good time, we can reschedule.
BM: No, this will have to do. I'm swamped. I've got Orange Glow this afternoon, Oxi-clean in the evening and the book signing all week. It's now or never.
DP: Alright then, if you're sure. Just one more question.
BM: Anything.
DP: Do you feel that pitching more than one product diminishes your appeal or credibility? I mean you're not the creator or the inventor or even an owner for that matter, you're the spokesman. Does your work with one product make selling another one difficult.
BM: I've been asked this alot. Let me ask you something. How many movie commercials use the same voice to pitch their movie?
DP: I don't know, maybe...
BM: It's rhetorical.
DP: Sorry.
BM: No problem. It's a lot. When you hear the same voice does it make you distrust the credibility of the movie? No, of course not. You're going to inherently distrust the credibility of the movie because you know the reason they make commercials is to trick you into buying things. Well with me, I actually believe in these products. I've used them and I truthfully believe that they work. My energy and enthusiasm is a direct result of my belief in what I'm selling. These aren't snake oils or snakes on a plane, these are honest products that do exactly what I say they... LOOKOUT! Pull back! ... Pull back! ... (screaming) ... (dog barking) ... (yelling) ...
Unfortunately the line went dead at that point in the interview. I checked back later with Billy Mays' agent and he assured me that Billy, his wife and the dog arrived at their destination safely.
Thanks Billy for a great fake interview. All the best with the book signing.
